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Editor at Large

Serious Eagles fans will avoid any and all Super Bowl parties

Just put on the damn game and leave me alone.
Just put on the damn game and leave me alone. - (Photo / )

To Super Bowl party or not?

For the really, really serious Philadelphia Eagles fan, the answer is a no that's as loud as an F-16 flyover during the national anthem.

You see, the really, really serious fan would never watch the game at a party. There are just too many distractions.

It’s why it’s best to watch the Super Bowl at home, either alone or perhaps with another really, really serious fan.

Let this really, really serious Penn State fan and serious Eagles fan explain why:

-- You get the best seat with the best view.

-- No one ever walks in front of the television.

-- You control what pregame show to watch.

-- There is no need to be presentable. Sweats, bare feet, unshaven … they’re all OK. Pants are required, though, unless you want to change momentum in the game.

-- Swearing is acceptable and cathartic.

-- You can drink and eat as much as you want because no one is looking.

-- You control the drinks and the food spread. As in: No quiche. No cauliflower. No cheese balls.

-- The fridge is all yours during commercials.

-- So is the bathroom.

-- It’s your bathroom.

-- You don’t have to hear novices shouting simplistic, Captain Obvious comments that add nothing to the experience, such as, “Let’s go!” Or, “Tackle him!”

-- You don’t have to answer simplistic questions from novices, such as, “Why can’t we just score a touchdown?” Or, “What’s a run-pass option?”

-- You don’t have to pretend to listen to conversation about the weather or the economy or someone’s honor-roll kids.

-- Since no one is talking, you can actually hear the TV announcers, analysis and interviews.

-- No one even dares to flip the channel, even for a minute, to see what’s happening on Housewives.

-- But if you want to change the channel for a moment, to give your team some extra mojo, you can.

-- Finally, if your team loses, you can turn off the TV, sulk and not worry about being pleasant or cordial to anyone. And if your team wins, you can celebrate all night and not worry about the drive home or acting like a crazed, happy, idiotic fool – which is what you will most definitely be.

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