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Editor at Large

Your 2018 sports highlights – before they happen

Carson Wentz: Superman, indeed.
Carson Wentz: Superman, indeed. - (Photo / )

As a public service, here are 2018's sports highlights, ahead of time, solely for your entertainment – not gambling – purposes.

Jan. 25 – At the Famers Insurance Open near San Diego, and for the 25th time since 2013, Tiger Woods declares himself healthy and ready to go for a golf tournament.

Jan. 28 – For the 25th time since 2013, Tiger Woods fails to win a golf tournament.

Feb. 4 – Despite Nick Foles completing just eight passes for only 62 yards, the Eagles somehow manage to beat the Steelers, 12-10, in an all-Pennsylvania Super Bowl in Minneapolis.

Feb. 7 – In Philadelphia’s first Super Bowl parade, 1,466 people are arrested and 47 people are injured, including the Sixers’ Joel Embiid, effectively ending the Sixers’ playoff hopes.

Feb. 25 – Winter Olympics conclude in South Korea with 89.4 percent of the American public still unaware that they had even begun.

Thursday, March 15 – A record 46 Americans call out sick on the first day of March Madness.

Friday, March 16 Forty-five million of them decide to make it a four-day weekend and again call out sick.

Monday, March 19 – Blaming absenteeism for a lack of production, 1,493 U.S. companies declare bankruptcy.

April 2 – In the Yankees’ home opener, Aaron Judge and Giancarlo Stanton combine to hit seven home runs, yet New York still loses to Tampa Bay when three relievers give up six runs in the ninth inning. After the game, the Yankees sign 48-year-old Mariano Rivera to return as their closer.

May 27 – Every single car blows an engine in the 102nd running of the Indianapolis 500 so ABC instead televises a rerun of Battle of the Network Stars from 1979. Oddly – or perhaps not oddly, given the endearing and timeless popularity of Scott Baio – the TV ratings improve.

June 9 – Since different horses won the Kentucky Derby and Preakness, the Belmont Stakes is canceled.

June 21 – With their first-round lottery pick in the NBA Draft, the Sixers select someone who is injured but by all accounts will be the next Michael Jordan when he eventually steps onto an NBA court for the first time in 2024.

July 15 – In the fourth straight stunning upset by the host country, Russia beats Germany, 2-1, in Moscow to win soccer’s World Cup. Meanwhile, the Washington Post is investigating whether or not Vladimir Putin influenced the outcome of the Cup.

Aug. 27 – U.S. Open begins on national television even though only 0.6 percent of Americans can name an active U.S. tennis player – male or female – not named Williams.

Sept. 9 – The Eagles open the season with a 27-26 victory when Carson Wentz – who was in the owner’s suite and in a cement leg cast when the game began – runs 31 yards for a touchdown on the game’s final play.

Sept. 10 – Warner Brothers signs Carson Wentz to play Superman in 2019.

Oct. 3 – The National Hockey League season begins.

Oct. 22 – The Flyers win to improve to 6-0. Alas, it's their last win of 2018.

Oct. 31 – Game 7 of the World Series begins.

Nov. 2 – Game 7 of the World Series ends. Major League Baseball immediately vows to limit the length of postseason games to nine hours or two calendar days, whichever comes last.

Nov. 14 – Mariano Rivera finally wins his first Cy Young Award.

Dec. 9 – For the first time since 2016, every single NFL player stands for the National Anthem. God bless America.

Dec. 23 – The Cleveland Browns win their first game in two calendar years and reward coach Hue Jackson, who with the victory now has a 2-45 career record, with a three-year, $14 million contract extension. God bless America.

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